Life can be hard in so many different ways. Doesn't it always seem like you are the only one who is struggling? It seems like everyone around you is living a fairytale life while you sit back and feel sorry for yourself?
That is how I have felt lately. I have been a grouch deep inside and my heart has not been in the right place. I am struggling. I always feel sorry for myself because I have to work, or because I didn't get enough sleep, or because my Dad is dealing with health issues, or because I never see my husband because he is always studying (or because I have had 3 periods this month, ah hem). Whatever it is, I am not handling it well. I feel like I have just hit my limit.
Like a said in a previous post, this stage of our life is just that, a stage. We are going through a hard season, and I know we will make it through, but that doesn't change the emotions I am feeling right now. I knew when I married my sweet husband that we were in for the long haul when it came to his schooling. We knew it would take up all his time, put us into huge debt, and that I would have to work all through his time in school. We also knew that we didn't want to wait 6 years before having kids, and we knew it would be tough, but in the end we would be so glad we had them when we did. Well knowing all these things is one thing, but living in the middle of it is way harder than I expected. I miss my husband, I miss our alone time, I miss falling asleep together since he is studying, I miss hanging out with all of our friends because our weekends consist of more studying, and I miss his attention. I am not saying we never get to do any of those things, it is just more rare.
My heart also desires more than anything to be a stay at home mom. I can't even explain how much I adore our son. I am not one of those mom's who needs to get away on a daily basis (maybe a once a week basis), and I actually hate leaving each morning to go to work. Once I am at work I usually focus on what I am doing and I handle myself pretty good while I am away, but as soon as I get in the car to drive home I feel like I can't get there fast enough! I miss my boy when I am gone and I wish I could spend every day with him. Again, this is a season in our lives, and eventually I will get to stay home with our kids, but that doesn't change the here and now, which is hard.
We also are so ready for more babies. Another struggle for us right now. We know it won't get any easier having another baby right now, but we also have to think in the long run. In 2 and a half years Wes will be done with school and we will love to have our kids grow up very close in age. So is it worth it to have them close together now, which will be hard, but will also be exactly what we hope for in the future when they grow up close in age?
I know that everything I am holding onto I need to let go of and give to God. I know that when I try to hold on to all of these things that bog me down it just makes life even harder. I know that God is my strength and I need to allow him to take the reins. I also know that when I feel like I am hurting the most it is because I have not been spending enough time with him. I want to renew my faith in Him and grow closer to Him even when I am hurting and struggling with life. I also want to trust him with our lives, and stop feeling like I have to make every decision on my own. I just NEED Him...how can anyone live life without the love of Christ? It is the only thing that gives me hope.
So do any of you ever feel like this? I would love to hear the stories of hurt and hope in your life. We serve an awesome God, and it is so amazing to hear stories of how he has touched our lives.
8 comments:
Moriah, I feel like I am reading about my own life! My husband is in school for his Master's also (with a whole lotta debt) and working full time, I would give almost anything to stay home with my babies right now, and I knew going into it that this was what I was signing up for as well. But you put it so well in your blog- living through it is completely different than what we thought when we originally decided to do it this way!
I don't regret any of our decisions, we are having our second very soon (and close together!) as well, and I know it will only be harder for me to go to work. But I can relate on every level to your struggles, I feel like we have the same ones! I hate not seeing my husband as much also. When we DO have time off, we almost never spend it with other people because we miss each other so much, so our social lives are a bit lagging right now as well, which makes the hard times seem even harder.
Anyway, keep your chin up. You are not alone. :)
Oh honey, thank you for sharing your heart. This is probably the greatest and hardest time of your life. I'll be praying that the little time and connection you get with Wes goes a long way to keep you close until you can connect again. I'll pray that God gives you joy and passion for your work to make leaving home a little easier until you can be a stay at home mom. I've been struggling too actually- I blogged about it today too. You aren't alone mama. And it's nice to know I'm not alone too.
Moriah,
I know we don't really know eachother that well but I read your blog and want you to know that you are not the only one who has felt this way or has these thoughts..I have been in your shoes as far as missing your husband etc.I don't get to see Ryan all of the time since he is gone for 24 hr shifts sometimes longer if he works overtime and it gets hard and lonely sometimes.Not to mention taking care of a 9 month old which I know Camden is right behind Cody in age and they are soo mobile and get into everything! Take heart and know that God always has something good come out of the storm we are in even when we cannot see it. Believe me I get in ruts sometimes and then God always reminds me how much he loves me and is in control even if it is in the smallest way! I hope you are encouraged and remember each day is a new day to start all over! :)
~Claire
Oh Moriah, I feel your pain. It is so easy to look around at friends and family and see their lives and think that they have it all figured out, or that they aren't struggling. The truth I think we all struggle. So many of us are still trying to figure out our own lives and what we are supposed to do with juggling being wives, mothers, daughters, and friends that we forget to step back and appreciate all of the blessings in our lives.
Gosh, life is so hard for us every day. Somedays getting out of bed requires every ounce of strength I have. And you know what? It is only going to get harder for our family before it gets any easier. I thought this semester with Luke in school was tough- next semester, he will be working from 8-3 and then have school from 4-9 M-F, and work from 9-4 on Saturdays. That means I will basically be a single mom for the next 5 semesters of his school.
And money... goodness, we have none. Should I get a job- it would help (a lot) but I had returned to work after Parker was born and Luke made me quit my job after 3 months of working. He couldn't stand the fact that I was missing out. So, we have made some really difficult sacrifices and some drastic lifestyle changes (and you know how little we live off of), but we make it work for us. Not everyone can do or would do the same things that we are doing, and it is exhausting. We literally have to budget every penny we have and it still doesn't make sense the ways in which God provides.
As far as kids, its so hard. I know exactly what you mean wanting to have them close together, and while you are young. Just today we were talking about how much Luke hates that he misses out on so much with Parker and will miss even more with Piper, but come the time he is done with school he will be able to be with them so much more. Plus by the time the kids are out of the house we will still be young enough to have so much time just the two of us again and be able to still enjoy life (we wont be 60 when our kids are in high school).
The thing is- you have a husband who adores you, a little boy who can't get enough of you (and would still want more of you even if you didn't have to work), friends who cherish you, and a God who loves you. You have a roof over your head, food on your table, clothes on your back, and a community who will come up around you if ever you needed anything. Things might seem hard right now, but that is just Satan trying to distract you from the truth- That you are BLESSED. Focus on those blessings in your life that God has given you and be thankful for them, rather than letting them be the very things that are bringing you down.
I love you girl! You are strong, but don't have to carry the burden you feel on your own. It is so healthy to talk about the things that are bothering you than to let it build up. The only way for others to know that things are hard is to share it with us.
Thanks for sharing Moriah. I agree with Jessica that we all struggle, some just don't have the guts to share or would rather act like everything is indeed perfect. (I certainly enjoy pretending that at times!). Our world has been rocked this year by our Micah being diagnosed with Aspergers. We have cried over why our little man has to struggle over so many things other find second nature and have wrestled with our plan for our and his life versus God's plan. I have had some rough days and sleepless nights this year but God continually reminds me to look at the amazing blessings I have in my life and brings me back to 2 Cor. 4: 7-12 which says we are jars of clay to show God's all surpassing power. That means everyone is his jar no matter if they are a 9 month old, 5 years old, your age, my age or your Dad's age. He is molding you and your family during this time in ways you may not know or understand until far down the road. I am praying for you guys!
I so feel ya friend! funny thing is...you are one of my friends that I look at and think "man. She's got it all together. They are livin the life!" Haha. Oh how funny life is. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and feel like I understand exactly everything you are saying to the highest degree!! I hope things get better. We are going to be praying for ya!! Can't wait for Wes to have a fall break so life can be better (ok ok AND b/c then I get to see you! :) ) LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!
I totally know where you are at. But remember how you are providing and loving Cam in a different way by working.
Anyways my church just did a series on trust. We talked about being in the middle place. And the Israelites. They had to trust that the Promised Land was coming. They wanted to eat more than manna, or go back to Eygpt. But once they tried to do those things life was harder for them. When they listened to God and followed Him, they were given all they needed.
Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that the Promised Land is coming, we just have to do some wandering in the desert until we get there. We have to choose to follow His ways and His plan. I am praying for you.
Oh I love u Mo! Sometimes I think u and I are more alike than we know. Lately I have had such a bad attitude about the debt we got into when Brad was out of work for 8 months. We're still trying to pay that off & that was almost 3 years ago. I have also been struggling with my lack of time with the Lord. Sometimes I feel so undeserving of His love and blessings. But if there's one thing that Brad and I have learned through all of our trials (moving to California 3 weeks after getting married-Worrying abt Brad being shipped overseas. Getting pregnant unexpectedly. Brad being out of work, my dad's health problems, our debt,etc)it's that God is gracious and His timing is perfect. We've learned so many valuable lessons in our 6 years of marriage and we're stronger & love each other even more after going through them together.
And regarding your desire for another baby, I know you and Wes consider that prayerfully and God will give you His answer. And just so you know...having our babies almost 4 years apart has been a huge joy! We were able to spend so much time with Lyss by herself and now she is such a caring, nurturing big sister and big helper.
I love you & I'm praying with you!
Yvonne
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